Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
My bed smells like the plague
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
