I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
