I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
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