Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
New drinking game. Every time Romney and Santorum switch leads, take a shot.
....this is what your political science major is getting you?
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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