I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
bring money and cleavage
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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