The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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