GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
we're making bets on your personal life
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Randomize
