just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
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