He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize