I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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