It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
