I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
