you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
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