I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Randomize
