nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
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