Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
This is my gift to your gina
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Randomize
