1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize