From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
I realized that I earned the name Classy cassie as i was throwing up vodka slushie in my bed with a guy I know by the name extacy boy
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
