____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Randomize
