Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
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