she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
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