so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
Randomize
