If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
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