Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
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