I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
Randomize
