I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
