when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
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