god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
Randomize
