o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
