The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
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