the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Randomize
