How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
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