Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
