Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize
