i was shrooming and she was sobbing. i was trying to be sympathetic, but i could see the veins working like worms under her skin. and then her face stripped down to the muscle.
what was she crying about?
i wanna say it was the lack of skin on her face but maybe she lost her job.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
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