Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize