mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
Randomize
