3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
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