We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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