I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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