Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
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