Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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