Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
this is like her 8th guy since december, is she wasn't frumpy people would call her a whore
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
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