My balls are so social today.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Randomize
