well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Randomize
