When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
Randomize
