yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
