There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Randomize
