i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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