3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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