FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
