Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
