Far right against the wall..hiding come find me. dont tell oyhers hahaha
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
Randomize
