i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
