i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
